The Comet's Flame

Have you ever felt completely alone, even though you were surrounded by people? I would have to classify that feeling as the defining emotion of my life. Most of the time, I feel that I am separated from those around me by a two-way mirror of sorts. I can look through the glass barrier and learn about people by studying their actions — sometimes even to an extent that I feel I “know” them in a way. But I can’t communicate with them. And they can only see a hazy outline of me.

I see some disturbing similarities between my life and the life of the character “Pink” from Pink Floyd’s concept album The Wall. As he grew up, Pink let small everyday things like childhood fears and criticism from adults drive him further and further into his shell. He began to have difficulty making friends. Each new failed relationship became “another brick in the Wall.” Eventially, the Wall was so high that “he could not break free.” He was completely sealed off from the rest of world.

Society was finally able to forcibly tear down his Wall, but Pink’s sanity was completely destroyed in the process.

That scares me. I don’t want to be like that. I guess it’s some encouragement to see that my “shell” is more of a plexiglass shield than a brick Wall, but I still wish I could shatter the barrier without being wounded by the flying shards.

Right now, though, I think I need a rest from banging my head against the sides of the fishbowl. In reality, I’m not alone in here after all. My name (“Jedidiah”) means something roughly equivalent to “God is my friend” in Hebrew — a perfect reminder that I have a Friend who’s right here with me. So that makes me the luckiest lonely man alive.